Former Sex Worker, Now Intimacy Coach

An Edgy Reveal for Those Not In the Know

In January 2020, before I’d ever heard the word ‘covid’- and weren’t those beautiful times- I started working as a sensual masseuse.

What is a sensual masseuse? 🤨

Essentially, a sensual masseuse provides massage, sensual touch, and/or other bodywork, in conjunction with stimulating the client to orgasm.

So, in layman’s terms, a massage + a ‘happy ending’ 🌶️

I did this work on and off over the next four years, leaving it multiple times for a variety of reasons and returning to it~ again, and again~ with more clarity and intentionality each time.

There’s so much I could write about, pages and pages, and over time these stories will be published ⏳

For now, here’s what I want to share…

The primary reason I started this work was because I knew it would trigger me. I was very into ‘shadow work’ at the time and knew that a job like this would push my buttons, teach me to set better boundaries, and help me get in touch with parts of myself that were previously hidden.

It felt risky, but not unsafe.

And this hedged bet turned out to be correct. At least in my experience- and I realize this is far from true for some sex workers, particularly those who are in sex work against their will- the position I was in was not unsafe. Honestly, the men I saw were generally more nervous than I was at our first meeting (hilarious!). No one wants to be set up, everyone wants to be respected, and pretty much everyone is flailing in the weirdness and unknown of that particular situation, unless they’re a seasoned vet.

Well, I learn quickly, and I learned how to turn the job to my advantage, as I have with pretty much everything else I’ve encountered in life.

I had strict boundaries, and was pretty prudish considering the job 🤣

I was generally very transparent with my clients, other than the pseudonym I used, and I loved diving into the same topics that I love diving into with anyone- psychology, health, free-thinking, authentic relating, conscious communication, natural living, etc.

Me being how I was organically filtered out the men who were only there for sex (especially because I wouldn’t have sex with them) and pulled in ‘regulars’ who wanted emotional and mental connection alongside their relaxation and arousal.

I got to know a lot about- at least, a subpopulation of- men. I developed a deep compassion for the experiences of these men, especially their fears and insecurities, and their trials and tribulations in relating to women. One thing that stood out to me as dear and profound is how much (those) men want to please, satisfy, love on, and experience the fulfillment of a woman, and how lost and confused many of them feel in that pursuit.

When I first started that work, I had been building my life coaching business for about a year. Managing the two side-by-side was tough, especially emotionally, and especially when I was keeping the sensual massage position a secret from most of the people in my life. But I managed, for a while, and I’ve even had sensual massage clients opt to become coaching clients instead! Talk about a compliment 😂

Over time, a desire grew to merge the two professions. I love supporting men (and the occasional woman) on their journey to develop more honest relationships with themselves and so experience more intimacy with others. I loved talking about sexuality, having no TMI boundaries, and displaying a true openness to the wide scope of the human experience while also offering ideas for how to upgrade one’s understanding of such to create more harmony. I love all that, and I created space for that level of emotional and mental intimacy in my sensual massage sessions, in a way that didn’t feel natural (initially) in my coaching sessions.

And, over time, I was less and less interested in being sexual with clients, sometimes at all. My honest boundaries hardened to a point several times that I left the work, as I couldn’t honestly show up in the space. I still desired to share and coach in the space of raw emotional and mental intimacy, and I realized the pivotal value of supportive, conscious touch in some situations, but I grew to dislike the upfront obligation to be sexual with clients.

Still, making the leap out of sex work was challenging, especially in relation to money.

Y’all, that money is stupid good. Even for a prude like me 🤑

Best money I’d ever made + most purposeful I’d ever felt = very challenging to upgrade from…

Still, I listened to myself and continued walking forward, knowing that was no longer my calling.

During my last year of sex work, I only offered very conscious, intentional engagement, and only saw clients who could swim with me through those waters. Many couldn’t maintain, and wanted more from me than I could, with integrity, give. But a few offered me examples of my ideal clientele- individuals who wanted to spend time with me not to substitute for intimate relationships in their day-to-day but to learn how to cultivate and maintain more intimate relationships in their day-to-day.

Ultimately, this kind of learning is rooted in getting deeply in touch with oneself. And this process is made infinitely easier with a mirror (another human) who has walked down deep paths inside their own self and so can witness and support another’s version of that same journey.

I stepped away from client work altogether for about 6 months, during the middle of this year. While working a busy work job, I met an individual who I connected with surprisingly quickly. They complimented my eye contact, which plunged us into a conversation about authentic relating. I shared some of my professional background with them, and they asked if I would take them on as a client.

I said yes, and am so grateful to this person for the divine gift they gave me- further evidence that there are people who want what I have (and want) to offer. I’ve been coaching this person for 6 months now, and their blossoming has been incredible to witness.

When I stepped away from my busy work job in October and started advertising as an authenticity and intimacy coach, I quickly accumulated a clientele, and have more people reaching out almost every day. Some of them are looking for a sex worker, and I have the tools to hold space for their desires and communicate to them that I don’t offer the services they’re looking for. Others are simply looking for something beyond traditional therapy, a more intimate, honest experience with a real person who can help them learn to self-regulate parts of themselves that have been repressed. These, I can, with integrity, coach.

The experiences I had as a sensual masseuse support me every day. While that’s not the only position I’ve held in which I felt alone and like I was trusting my gut with no one on my side, it was one of the most pivotal ones.

Believe you me, telling your very Catholic parents about such things simply because you can’t stand lying to them is no small feat.

My heart has grown 10x at least over the past 5 years, to hold space for all the very, very, very many opinions, perspectives, and experiences about sexuality that I’ve encountered and held space for. I see the payoff every time I choose (again) to be brave and vulnerable and share my experiences from that realm with someone, and they respond by spilling their heart out about deeply held secrets that they haven’t felt safe to share elsewhere.

So much more to share about this part of my story… If you keep up with me, you’ll hear it. The word’s out now! More transparency will be evident in my writings and on my podcast 🤓

Here’s to an inspiring future 🌈