Integrate Your Past, Or It Will Haunt Your Present
Moving Forward Requires Making Peace With What We Leave Behind
Throughout 2024, confronting my past was a predominant theme. Much of this was incredibly uncomfortable. Occasionally, the confrontation came with enough courage and resilience to feel thrilling, even exciting.
But often it was a barely-not-disassociating kind of uncomfortable 😂
I (internally) chuckle and smirk, writing this, but in those aforementioned moments it was all I could do to maintain presence with my breath and body- there was definitely no laughter happening.
Major themes of confrontation this year…
Fear of working on someone else’s schedule
Fear of ‘disappointing’ others*
Fear of ‘angering’ others*
Fear of change
Fear of a downhill trajectory
All of these themes could be wrapped up in “fear of my past.” Indeed, all fear we experience- aside from present-moment, life-threatening experiences- could be considered fear from our past.
I’ve been involved in self-awareness work, practices, and play for almost 15 years- counseling, meditation, shadow work, yogas, etc. I’ve confronted the residue of my past experiences with counselors, coaches, sponsors, mentors, friends, lovers, and, most often, in the echo of my insides.
15 years, and only in the past 2 have I really experienced my ability to confront my past, face-to-face, with love. Only in the past two years have I seen my ability to honestly love my parents. Only in the past two years have I seen my ability to honestly love my extended family. Only in the past two years have I seen my ability to honestly love my roots, my childhood, and all that comes with it.
This all springs from my decision to continue sifting out hatred, anger, blame, judgment, guilt, and shame concerning people, ideologies, locations, etc. from my past. These weren’t feelings I had growing up, but ones that developed in my late teens and early twenties as I learned how far the world extended outside what I was taught and began feeling resentful, swindled, and abandoned by those who I imagined had my best interests at heart.
Well, those feelings were certainly helpful for putting up walls with my past, which gave me space to recreate myself on my terms. And, those feelings are all very, very heavy- it’s incredibly counterproductive to MY best interests to carry them around.
What I’ve learned, acutely in the past two years, is that the way out of those feelings is processing grief and cultivating forgiveness. Learning to see, feel, and interact with the humanity of the people who raised me- is there any better learning process?
Ram Dass said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”
That dude hit the nail on the head y’all. Hit the nail on the fucking head. What a litmus test! To love the beautiful mess of the people you once, naturally, placed on the highest genuine pedestal a human can have. Not from afar, not in theory, not in relation to those aspects in yourself, no. Try live, real time, as a spiritual practice BEING IN HONEST LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE’S UPBRINGING.
Especially for those of us who left…who left our families, hometowns, home-states, etc. for any significant time- meaning, enough to change without the influence of our upbringing…this is hard.
We see the problems with how we were raised! We imagine being able to improve in those areas, and many of us do. So then, to return home with love, both for what blessed us and what broke us…what an infinitely fruitful practice.
I’ve watched many people, first and foremost myself, attempt this practice while not being in active relationships with those who raised them, with their “hometown”, for a variety of reasons. I don’t know about everyone else, but for me, here’s why I’ve stayed away from my past in various ways…
Fear that I would be judged, rejected, or ignored
Fear that I would lose control of my emotions and express them in a way that I would later regret
Blinding anger, resentment, judgment, and blame
Turns out…each experience of confrontation has been 100 million times better than I could have ever imagined.
I’m reminded of a 12-step program quote, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”
Permitting myself to just SHOW UP in spaces that felt so “old Rose” not “new Rosey”, and BE MYSELF, I now realize is giving myself opportunities to experience the love that is everywhere.
12-step meetings? Turns out there’s still love there, even if I don’t want to join their club.
Catholic Churches? Turns out there’s still love there, even if I don’t want to join their religion.
Family and friends who raised me? Turns out there’s still love there, even if I’m a radically different person than I used to be.
Parents?… My eyes are wet as I type this. My parents must be the most unconditionally loving creatures on this planet. They have truly taught me what it is to support and nurture a child, through good times, bad times, terrible times, and hellish times, to respect that developing child’s autonomy, and to retain their autonomy through the process. They have always, always, always had love for me, in their own ways and with their own boundaries. Turns out, there will always be love there…
I’ve had to confront those people and circumstances from a loving, accepting, respectful, and honoring place to receive those fruits.
As much as I tried in prior years to change people, ideologies, and circumstances from my past, hold them accountable, and teach them the errors of their ways, THIS NEVER WORKED AND INCREASED MY MISERY IN THE PROCESS.
Overtime, I began to see that I was treating my past in the exact way that I felt mistreated by it, compounding my fear with hypocrisy. As I learn to appreciate my past for its light, recognizing those people, ideologies, and circumstances continue to play an important role for other people, communities, and environments, even if the importance of their role has lessened in my life, I work through the (destructive) self-centeredness that has built up in walls around my heart and allow for more connection.
To everything, turn, turn 🕊️
I’ll wrap up simply by saying that I’m so infinitely grateful to be where I’m at and desire the same for all of you. A happy, fruitful, hug-filled 2025 to each of you! 🤗