"No One 'Should's' on Me"
Is 'Should' Really Such a Shaming Word?
paraphrasing a household conversation from a few nights ago…
(Rose) “He thinks we should both…”
(Housemate) “Well, no one should’s on me, but I’m open…”
(Rose) “Well, what the word ‘should’ implies…”
^^^ Thus began a conversation about what the word ‘should’ means, the cultural backlash it’s received, and how to use it intentionally.
It was 2016 when I first heard someone tell me “‘should’ is a shaming word.”
At that time, the comment made a bit of sense but landed very shallowly compared to the depths it would plunge to over the next few years.
When I deep-dived into NLP a couple years later, ‘should’ was one of the first words I intended to eradicate from my thoughts and my spoken words.
I became quite the word cop, with this and other words, often feeling so bothered by someone else’s use of the words I was avoiding that when I heard them I would either (a) quickly launch into a lecture of why it was better not to use them or (b) double down my (internal) critical psychoanalysis of the person to the point that I could barely be present with them.
Sincerely, ask the people who spent a lot of time with me in 2019-2022; they will confirm…
Yikes. I’m having flashbacks to kindergarten when I would tell the other kids, “You mean may I go to the bathroom”…
20+ years later and I’m still playing the know-it-all 😳
Which, by the way, (tangent-ing here) is a total farce to the extent that I actually put up that front. And this mask is something that I practice taking down consciously. So, at least theoretically, I’m more humble than I was in Mrs. Rackle’s class at 6 years old.
That being said, I do trust that I’m intelligent, observant, compassionate, and a skillful communicator and that it serves the greater community for me to share what I consider to be valuable information and insight.
Please, if you can paint a more comprehensive perspective for me that makes my opinion null, it’s welcome 🤪
Circling back to last night’s shenanigans, my know-it-all character is one of the reasons I LOVE having other smarty-pants around me. They hold me accountable for my mind, challenge me to defend my reasoning using clear language, and don’t let me get away with saying bullshit just because it sounds good.
So, I broke down for my boyfriend and our housemate the rhetoric that had been rolling around in my head, that I will share with you, the reader, below.
During that NLP deep dive, I swallowed a big fat translucent pill that the word ‘should’ was inherently shaming, insulting to the autonomy of others and self, and ought never to be used.
This belief played out right up to the point that I had surrounded myself almost entirely with people who had also swallowed that pill. Then, as is typical for me in such a scenario, I started mentally playing devil’s advocate on the topic.
First, I got really curious about the denotation of ‘should’. What does ‘should’ mean objectively, if we remove any emotional component?
What I’ve arrived at is this:
‘Should’ presupposes that a direction is being followed and that the ‘shoulder’ is aware of future steps heading in that direction.
I’ve identified three big blocks that interfere with communicating ‘should’ clearly:
(1) People often assume the direction before instructing themselves or others on how to follow it.
It’s easy to advise your friend or to get caught in a storm of self-advising that involves no significant action-taking. The more helpful (and more challenging) practice is to skillfully ask questions that provoke deeper, clearer answers.
(2) People often advise from a place of ignorance, meaning they’re talking out of their asses, not speaking from wisdom earned through experience.
When ‘shoulds’ are offered by someone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about, they are very empty. Unfortunately, this can be often or always, depending on who one is listening to.
(3) People almost always leave out the direction (or purpose) when giving instructions.
(Question) “How do we get out of this place as fast as possible?” (Answer) “We should…”
Assuming the answer is correct, this is a very appropriate use of the word should. The direction (objective) is conscious to all parties, and there is a way to meet that objective that should be followed for it to be met along the parameters outlined.
So, I propose that should is not inherently shameful. Rather, like so many other words, should is often used unconsciously.
A few suggestions…
Start (lightly) noticing when you use the word ‘should’, both internally (thoughts) and externally (spoken words). Over time, simply noticing your use of this- or any- word will cultivate awareness of subconscious patterns associated with that word. Things you might notice… What is your motivation in these moments? What is the motivation behind that motivation? What emotions are you feeling? How does it feel to refrain from saying something altogether?
When using the word ‘should’ intentionally, play with adding the direction you’re pointing to with your instruction. For example, “In order to blank, you should blank.”
If you are someone (like I was) who has built up resistance to the word ‘should’- you don’t like to hear it, have a consistent negative connotation of it, etc.- consider discharging the energy that has been built up in your relationship with ‘should’. This will allow for a deeper understanding of what people are trying to express, even when they aren’t saying it precisely. It will also allow you to use this (sometimes very useful and appropriate!) word again.
A final note-
I’ve noticed a trend among those who have become averse to the word ‘should’ (including myself)- we can be a bit addicted to freedom without commitment. Under these circumstances, ‘should’ can feel confining. That being said, if someone is in this place, of wanting to experience absolute freedom regardless of circumstances, they may simply be okay with having no direction at all! Absolute freedom regardless of circumstances is, of course, chaos…