Prioritizing Peace as a Baseline State
How My Boyfriend Low-Key Converted Me to Stoicism
When I first met my boyfriend, he struck me as emotionally repressed. Not incredibly so, mind you, but enough so that his (relative to mine) flat emotional state aroused a desire in me to ‘fix,’ ‘help,’ and ‘improve’ 🔨
As I got to know him more, and saw him open up, I began to understand that the flatness I was perceiving wasn’t so much repression as calmness. I started realizing that his stoic nature was a choice he had cultivated over the years through studying human nature and interrelating; indeed, he loves stoic philosophy.
And apparently, the stoics know how they’re often perceived! I chuckled at this quote from Daily Stoic…
“Except to the most avid seekers of wisdom, Stoicism is either unknown or misunderstood. To the average person, this vibrant, action-oriented, and paradigm-shifting way of living has become shorthand for “emotionlessness.” Given the fact that the mere mention of philosophy makes most nervous or bored, “Stoic philosophy” on the surface sounds like the last thing anyone would want to learn about, let alone urgently need in the course of daily life.”
https://dailystoic.com/what-is-stoicism-a-definition-3-stoic-exercises-to-get-you-started/#what-is-stoicism
How I related to my emotions, mind, and body when I met my boyfriend, Brandon, just over a year ago seemed so different from his style, perhaps incompatible. I was in full free expression mode, with little filter most of the time, and no filter as much as possible. I was catering my life to my ability to express myself (especially my emotions and inner child) as loudly and honestly as possible. I was living a Tantric life, to the best of my ability.
Of course, because this was counter to the vast majority of spaces and people, I was incredibly limited in places I could show up. Nevertheless, I loved the places and people who would receive me that way, and their ability to bring the same openness and free, vulnerable expression, so I surrendered to my self-imposed limits. I was blissful in my ‘sense’ of freedom and thriving on the constant validation of the echo chamber I was in ❤️🔥
Then I ran into this man who was the total opposite of me in many ways, especially regarding communication. It was easy to label him as ‘repressed,’ ‘hard to read,’ and ‘emotionally unavailable.’ As I got to know him- his influences, capabilities, motivations, and dreams- I fell in love with him. But it took months before I understood his way of relating to his emotions as a strength. I felt so strong in my way, in my style! And, of course, we’re biased to interpret what seems to be working for us at present as ‘best’…
This motivated, in part, my attempts to change Brandon- my wanting him to be more like me. Our biggest challenge has been and continues to be communication, and I used to imagine that, “If I could just get him to…(be more like me),” we would be able to get over that hump.
Though Brandon’s style bothered me, I couldn’t argue with the results. He was achieving in areas of life where my progress was slow, despite my consistent, intentional efforts. Inspired, and humbled, I began accepting cards from his deck. He’s gradually illuminating to me the limits of my style, and I’m doing the same for him 🔦
When Brandon and I met, I was prioritizing peace and ecstasy equally- in my goals, my self-appraisal, and my actions. This showed up particularly in my self-appraisal- if I wasn’t feeling happy in a moment, for some hours, or for days, I would judge this and my mind would spin trying to figure out ‘what am I doing wrong?’ This would typically prolong the unhappiness and sometimes push it to spiral toward depression, anger, and apathy.
Watching Brandon, and learning to understand him, has given me a newfound respect for temperance ⚖️
If you read the link I shared earlier in the article, you’ll see that four values are listed as the core virtues of Stoicism: courage, temperance, justice, and wisdom.
I was already prioritizing three of these virtues when Brandon and I met, but temperance was not much more than a card in the Major Arcana to me. And to the extent that I contemplated temperance, I associated it with balance. Not moderation.
To help explain the difference, between balance with moderation and balance without moderation, I’ve included this graphic 👇🏻
The orange and the blue lines both demonstrate balance- they each swing above the median the same amount that they swing below the median. But the blue line is more moderate than the orange- it averages closer to the median across time. The blue line stays balanced without the extremities of the orange line.
What I’m learning, through Brandon’s example, is the value of moderation, particularly as it pertains to communication. I’m learning how to transmute the intensity of my feelings into intentional actions, instead of releasing their power through excessive wild expression. Over time, I see that this route provides me with more tangible results in the direction of my goals, and it provides me with more peace.
Another, perhaps more accessible, example of what I’m describing here is thus. Imagine each of those lines is a roller coaster. The blue line is exciting and perhaps induces some nerves, but feels steadier overall. The orange line is all out exhilarating, perhaps terrifying, and might feel unpredictable. The question is: which one is more supportive of your current goals? 🧐
There was a time in my life when I needed, craved the orange line- I felt trapped and wanted to push (and discover) my limits. In my experience, riding the orange line requires that a lot of one’s energy goes towards maintaining a sense of internal balance- lest one react to the highs and lows in a significantly self-destructive way.
Now, I’m coming into a phase that asks for, and is supported by, the blue line- I know where I’m going and want to remain centered as much as possible so as much energy as possible can go towards my intentions, and less is required for maintaining balance.
None of this is to say that I’m now repressing my intensity! On the contrary, I’m learning how to channel and transmute much of that same intensity into action, into physical results. This is manifestation 🔥
Now, instead of prioritizing peace and ecstasy equally, I’m prioritizing peace (centeredness) above ecstasy. I’m finding that this allows for a deeper ecstasy to emerge, an ecstasy that isn’t dependent on the circumstances of the present moment but one that constantly exists. I only need to be peaceful enough to access it. I imagine I’ll swing back soon enough to experiencing both equally 🤪
Assumedly, they’ll organically balance themselves out. A key difference I see in myself between how I was prioritizing ecstasy before and how I’m prioritizing it now- before, I was seeking ecstasy, working to induce it; now, I’m letting it come to me.
However my trajectory proceeds, I hope my internal swings remain closer to the baseline. Riding the wild roller coasters is fun…and from time to time I LOVE a steamy, edgy adventure. But I’m tired of steamy, edgy adventures controlling my life—creating huge surges of energy followed by an equal-opposite reaction that I must ride.
Brandon came into my life exemplifying stability, security, and confidence in the future- and you bet I hopped on that train 🚂
Remember the ‘sense’ of freedom I mentioned earlier? The one I was so engrossed in when I met my beloved? It was very much a sense cultivated internally and not mirrored externally, not in all the ways I wanted.
I kept running into blocks, especially in relationships with the masculine aspects of life (finances, security, vocation, moderation, humor, lightness, boundaries), because I wasn’t giving those aspects their due respect. Though it’s been challenging to curb and redirect my feminine passion, expression, and creativity at times~ and take her down off her high horse~ ultimately she’s much happier seeing her expression being used to create tangible results. She loves feeling purposeful and of service to the world.
“A wild woman tames herself to what she wants.” - that’s a Rose original right there 🌹
As I’ve traveled as a wild woman for the past five years, I’ve resisted taming myself for others’ approval, knowing that I would come to a path that beckoned me to tame myself with the exact civility to receive precisely what I want in life.
This new path allows me to interact with a wider variety of people, maintain my composure, experience more stress without buckling, and more. And you know what that gets me? The ability to build and scale my business, longevity in my relationships, deeper self-trust, less self-sabotage, more groundedness, and so much more…
My new desire, therefore, is to enjoy steamy, edgy adventures with such a deep sense of peace and balance that even the heightened intensity feels like the blue line, like the small coaster. Fun, but not requiring abundant mental, emotional, and spiritual resources to not fall off, to not question myself…
To boot, Brandon and I are learning that the differences in our communication styles are one of our most compatible aspects! We’re learning to integrate with support from resources like Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
It seems that Stoicism and Tantra can, in fact, (like all opposites) be integrated, when properly understood. I polish his sword with some wildness, freedom, and unknown; he pours some consistency, self-control, and bird’s eye view into my cup… ☯️