Transmuting a Victim Mindset
If No One Was Taking Accountability for You and You Could Create Whatever You Wanted... What Would You Create?
Getting to know the part of myself that likes playing victim to my circumstances is one of the most fruitful shadow work paths I’ve undertaken.
We all have this part- referring to anyone with the mental faculties to choose more or less personal responsibility.
Regardless of where one is on the spectrum of victimhood, if they haven’t consciously searched for parts of themselves that are playing small due to a feeling of inferiority, they are almost inevitably controlled by said feeling in some way. This emerges uniquely for each person, in a way as unique as their path of untangling from it. Still, there are common themes of the victimhood aspect or archetype. How can we learn to identify and love this part of ourselves?
Before we dive in, let’s parse some nuance. We’re focusing here on a victim mindset, which is related to but not the same thing as being a victim in a particular circumstance. Victim mindset = the belief that one is inferior, or at a disadvantage, as a character trait. Victim = someone who plays a role due to coercion, force, or without informed consent. Being in a victim role can, but doesn’t always, breed a victim mindset. Utilizing a victim mindset will perpetuate, and recreate, opportunities to play a victim role.
Befriending our inner (unconscious tendency towards) victimhood goes hand in hand with befriending our inner (unconscious tendency towards) oppression. The internal victim and internal oppressor in each of us work together to keep us small, if we let them. For example, the internal oppressor might say, “You’ve never been good with people, much less a leader; how do you expect to become the CEO of a successful company?”, to which the internal victim might respond, “You’re right; I need to keep my dreams realistic and stick to what I know.”
Those employing a victim mindset have their circumstances determined for them. This can look many ways, including…
Victimizing one’s present self due to past experiences
Victimizing one’s future self due to present or past experiences
Allowing others’ projected internal oppressors or victims to control one’s thinking, actions, emotions
One of the most powerful ways out of a victim/oppressor mindset is realizing how much power, and control over one’s life, one truly has. We can control very few things in our human experience, but what we can control is almost always (if not always) more than enough to create a significantly different life. With practice, an individual can ‘control’ their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. The new person that emerges from this conscious self-awareness will receive very different feedback (results) from their environment over time.
Some of the juiciest rewards of self-awareness practice REQUIRE putting down the blame game. Giving up the shame and guilt games also feeds the soul. In essence, it’s not circumstances that define a ‘victim’ but mindset. Consider how many people who’ve emerged from great trauma choose to no longer identify as victims, as they recognize that this choice is pivotal in their ascension to greater freedom. I imagine the awareness to make such a choice goes hand in hand with recognizing how intrinsic suffering, pain, and the push and pull of power are to the natural world. This awareness depersonalizes much of what we could otherwise interpret as very personal.
To be sure, humans experience circumstances with perverse power dynamics, in which they have significantly less autonomy and almost no opportunity to exert their force of will- sex trafficking, for example. Yet, even in this extreme situation, there is a significant difference between the experience of someone who gives in to the internal victim and internal oppressor- losing hope and self-worth- and someone with the mental fortitude to not take their experience personally, but rather recognize the projected internal oppressors of those who oppress them as the others’ illness.
Of course, this is much easier said than done, especially in such an extreme situation and particularly when the victim has little or no external support. Still, it’s worth mentioning in this context that only ~30% of people who experience textbook ‘trauma’ go on to develop PTSD, meaning ~70% don’t… How does the later group persevere?
Furthermore, what are the commonalities among the individuals who experience trauma and go on to develop post-traumatic growth- a phase we’d do well to popularize- afterward?
Ultimately, this article isn’t for individuals who will never read it- those deeply embedded in the victim role. This article is for individuals who have the freedom of choice and are still learning to assume responsibility for that freedom.
I know of no circumstance in which it benefits an individual who has freedom of choice to identify as a victim, past the point of recognizing that they have allowed themselves to be victimized in the past.
“We can't choose where we come from but we can choose where we go from there.” - The Perks of Being a Wallflower (film, 2012)
We can hold both, yes? We can hold…
“I was in situations in my past in which I suffered at the hands of an entity that was more powerful than me, who did not wield their power in a way that supported my well-being.”
AND
“Now that I’m working to understand those past situations more clearly, I’m assuming deeper levels of personal responsibility and committing to learning how to set and maintain loving boundaries so that no one else is ever so in charge of my life again, other than me.”
At this point…are we a victim?
So much mental, emotional, and behavioral space is freed when blame, shame, guilt, and anger are let go. This is no easy task, but it is worthwhile. A great place to start is simply the commitment to (1) the journey of personal responsibility and (2) the journey of not taking responsibility for anyone else (other than dependants).
When I say, “I commit to the journey of personal responsibility,” what do I mean?
Here’s a breakdown…
I commit to being responsible for my emotions: to learn how my emotions operate and what my emotional patterns are, to lean into constructive emotional interaction and out of destructive emotional interaction, and to realize deeply that I am the only one with the ability to change how I feel.
I commit to being responsible for my mind: to learn how my mind operates and what my thought patterns are, to lean into constructive mental interaction and out of destructive mental interaction, and to realize deeply that I am the only one with the ability to change how I think.
I commit to being responsible for my body and my actions: to learn how my body operates and what my behavioral patterns are, to lean into constructive behaviors and out of destructive behaviors, and to realize deeply that I am the only one with the ability to change how I act.
I commit to being responsible for how I show up in every single one of my relationships: to understand my reactivity and avoidance patterns, to lean into constructive behaviors and out of destructive behaviors, and to realize deeply that I am the only one with the ability to change the quality of my relationships.
I commit to seeking expert help when my well of resources is running dry in any particular area of my life. I commit to receiving help from those who already have what I want, and letting go of advice from those who have not embodied the qualities I am seeking to integrate.
Those five commitments require a lifetime of practice- and a willingness to die a beautiful mess.
As you and I discern how to take great responsibility for our lives, let’s also employ greater compassion for self and other. Let’s recognize~ learn to believe~ that we’re all doing the best we can, in each moment. Let’s recognize that when we know better, we do better.
Life is a never-ending journey, and it’s always darkest before the dawn.