Turning Towards Discomfort
Integrating Dis-Ease
Any physical, mental, and emotional distress we might be feeling is data about our relationship with our environment, ripe for interpretation đ
Many humans live under the impression that suffering, distress, and disease are inevitable- burdens to be borne.
And, certainly, the POTENTIAL for these hurts is a constant. But how can we exert control over whether or not this potential manifests into acute and/or chronic pain? đ€š
âBetween stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.â Viktor E. Frankl
Frankl paints a beautiful picture here, one often unnoticed in the fast pace of modern life. Amidst all our responsibilities and desires, it can seem impossible to discern the stimulus from the response, much less notice the space in between.
Weâve all learned coping skills to relate to pain in a way that feels âbetterâ. Most of us learned coping skills that help us avoid or agitate pain. These avoidances or agitations are reactions; namely, because, if we were more deeply aware of what we were doing we would recognize that this way of relating to pain actually perpetuates the pain.
Reactions are naively âcleverâ ways of stuffing pain into the closets way in the back of the mind and heart. The pain seems to go away, because we become, momentarily, less conscious of it. But, because the root of the pain is not being acknowledged or resolved, it festers. Maybe it hangs out in the closet for a while, playing small. But sooner or later that force grows again đȘ
The pain might stay in the closet and grow, manifesting as brain fog, dullness, lack of interest in the world, or an inability to be present with the self.
The pain might sneak out of the closet slowly, manifesting as frequent viral infections, chronic fatigue syndrome, co-dependency, or depression.
The pain might sit, wait, and plan to attack at the perfect time, manifesting as classic self-sabotage, anger, or other impulsive behaviors.
The only way to fully address pain, getting ahead of it before it turns into suffering, is to mindfully turn towards it, with a curious and compassionate presence.
We do this in the space just after experiencing a stimulus that weâve noticed had âtriggeredâ us. It goes like this âŹïž
(1) My current (physical, mental, emotional) stateâŠ
How Iâm feeling and thinking before the stimulus.
(2) Stimulus (external or internal)
Thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations are all internal stimuli. External stimuli include the words and behavior of other people, weather, travel delays, music, the tastes of food, and on and on- anything in your external environment.
(3) Space
Noticing feelings or charges that come up in response to stimulus (this is feeling âtriggeredâ).
Accepting what is occurring; accepting both the stimulus and what was triggered in self (thoughts, feelings, actions) by the stimulus.
Choosing to respond to the stimulus and what was triggered, instead of reacting.
(4) Response
Choosing to respond might require slowing down, finding a quiet space, focusing on breathing, seeking support, committing to not talking to a person you felt triggered by until you are more regulated, and much more. You will uncover the best responses to the stimuli and reactions in your life as you practice.
One of my favorite quotes, though I canât find where I first heard this wording is, âWisdom is knowledge put into action.â
As we learn to relate to pain wisely, we realize that pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional. And, indeed, in living this way, pain becomes quite joyous! It is no longer something to lament, avoid, feed, or run away from, but an opportunity to learn and create more of what fulfills us đ„č
Pain is the most fruitful stimulus for growth, pleasure, and abundance when interpreted wisely.
With practice, we can integrate the infant state into our adulthoods, appreciating how rarely feeling fearful or acting from fear truly makes sense. Infants are said to have only two natural-born fears- those of loud noises and falling.
How many of us are wrapped up in fear daily, allowing it to dictate our mind, body, and emotions at some level? Fears of poverty, death, ignorance, failure, silence, stillness, the unknown, and more haunt most (all?) of us at one level of consciousness or another đ¶
To allow for ease, joy, peace, and play, we must learn to let go of these fears and engage with life as an ever-flowing creative force, one that allows for growth, newness, cleansing, and change in each moment.
We learn to let go of fear (dis-ease) through learning to be present with it, sitting with it, face-to-face. In this space we gradually see fearâs farce, its folly, fearâs own fearful innards that shriek and crumble, trying desperately to cling to the beliefs, feelings, and behaviors that give it life, though it so deeply wants to let go.
In this space, we learn to help our fear let go, to move and dissolve. We learn to nurture our fear in the knowing that itâs allowed to let go, change, and pass. But first, we must sit with it, get to know it, love it, and embrace it. Only then will it feel safe enough to move đ
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P.S If youâd like more clarity on the topic of fear, to understand the genuine benefits of fear and how to embrace those so you can let go of the bullsh*t, I highly recommend The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker. de Becker is a high-level security specialist, providing security for people who have a lot of money and power. He tells a fascinating, educating, validating, and clarifying story about the human experience of fear.
P.S.S Our last Roseyâs Reading Room for the month is this Thursday, 2/20 6-8pm. Weâre about halfway through Love is a Battery by Brandon Joe Williams. Weâll be picking up at Chapter 6 (âLove: The Ultimate Drugâ) and will read Chapter 7 (âMystery: How to Use it to Your Advantageâ) and likely finish with Chapter 8 (âKey Differences Between Men and Womenâ). Email me at rose@naturallyrosey.me to request the Zoom link.